ewwoo :3
this is where i'll write my blogs/journals
this page will be private once i'll figure things out!!!
it's been a while. midterm is coming up. lately, i don't really have the mental capacity to study. i'm not sure if it's just laziness or what, i tried my best to just start studying, whatever it is. but, i'm back to being unmotivated in just a couple minutes.
i really want to have someone to talk to. a support system if you will. not necessarily a girlfriend, but, someone that i can talk to everytime i wanted, everytime there's something weighing me, and i would have to commit to listen to them too. but, i'm not sure if i'm ready for that kind of commitment yet.
this.. uncertainty... is it holding me back? should i just try it and let it ride? shoot my shot? i mean, we do only live once.
i'm such a coward. i'm not sure if i'm a perfectionist or not, but i am afraid of making mistakes. it's my bad habit. living in this shithole of a country does not help at all. infact, the "perfectionist" agenda is so normalized here, you aren't allowed to make any small mistake, otherwise you'll fail in society.
idk. just my thoughts. it's true tho. i'm struggling with my mental health, and thus i'm struggling with my academics too. but what did i get? a warning that if i keep failing, i need to drop out of my uni.
fuck my life... i don't know what to do anymore... i just feel like that i'm resting too much, but at the same time, those rests, are exhausting, and are not helping me in any way.. in fact, those rests/naps/sleeps are just contributing to my laziness...
i wanna cry...
i finally opened the food that my mom bought for me to eat. she said that it's a dry food (?), and at face value i accepted that fact, and assumed that it will have a long shelf life.
oh how naive i was. i should have checked the food by the time i arrived here. i should have opened it from its package. now it's inedible. mold has grown all over it. not completely cover it, but would you really eat a food with molds??
i was heartbroken. mom bought it for me, to sort of have a food that would last me for days, even weeks.
but again, i'm still conflicted by my own thoughts. is it my fault? maybe i shouldn't accept anything as is. maybe i should be more curious.
i don't know....
i persevered. i did everything as much as i am possible to achieve. i did everything while being afraid. it might feel scary at first, but when it has passed, i am able to calm down
however, something's been on my mind for a long while. am i.. an empath? i don't know why i feel that way, but whenever something remotely bad or scary happends, my mood just drops. even at times where i am not in the scary situation, like i just saw someone on the street get yelled at or something, more often than not, my mind goes "what'd happen if that was me?" and then my mood drops.
there's also another thing. sometimes, when i'm exhausted, like VERY exhausted, i just, shut up. silence. but it's more like a pent-up anger. and when i do or say something, i unintentionally yell or just straight up being an asshole. i do try to control it (or do i?), but idk sometimes there's just a moment that i suddenly became rude. i'm truly sorry to everyone that i unintentionally shouted.
i don't know.. why am i so avoidant.. why do i always avoid my actions.. why do i always want to avoid the consequences..
it's been a long while since i last typed/wrote a journal. i mean, nothing much has been happening, i've been enjoying my stay, i've been going out with my friends, my sis (especially that new years thing), and i think that's it.
but something's been bugging me. idk why, but lately my dreams are weird. i've been dreaming my crush, the one that i think is just happily living on her own without thinking about me, yet i still think about her every now and then. i've dreamt about her twice now, for the past 2-3 weeks maybe? don't know what it is, not sure how to react/respond to it, do i want more of it? do i want less? i don't know.
and it doesn't help that i'll be enrolling for my 6th seemster. infact. it's making me anxious, nervous, idk it's just making me uneasy. i try to ignore it, but it's always in the back of my mind. i'm trying to power through, i don't want it to disturb my positive activities and thoughts while i'm at my home.
12pm yesterday (til 12pm today), I finally went to the promised villa that our group had arranged for months now. To be honest, I actually did not expect that much attending this bonding experience kinda thing. I mean like, sure, we arranged some events to do at the villa, like swimming, bbq-ing, etc. etc., but FUCK the deep talk at midnight hits hard. I can finally let off a big portion of my burden off my chest, and i DO feel better, it felt lighter. I told my story, my struggles, everything wrong that's been bothering me for what felt like forever.
I am forever grateful for them, their understanding, their heartfelt feelings, their heartwarming actions. Their efforts to include me, even though I tried to ignore them, they cared deeply about me. For the past 3 semesters, I felt, alone, despite having friends. But, after this deep talk, I realised. I realised that I am not alone in this world. I am cared. I am loved. I am invited. I DO have friends, and they cared so much to me. I hope that this memory stays on my mind til the day I die. I will cherish this moment forever.
-Kai
went to my therapist for the 3rd time, won't be able to visit them for a while tho cuz i'm going back to my hometown, and i'll stay there 'til feb 7th.
today's therapy was quite... unpleasant... not because of the therapy though, but because of something prior to that. i was driving my bike to go to my therapist, and on my way there, not even 10 minutes from my dorm, i got into an accident, i accidentally drove into someone's bike. though i wasn't going that fast, i was still endangering someone's life. i panicked, i was so scared, i tried to run away, but i felt regret, and i slowed down my bike until my victim caught up to me. they yelled at me, i didn't even hear on what they said, but i was so scared that i just said that i'm sorry, and i continued my ride with guilt.
i told my story to my therapist, and the whole therapy calmed me down, and i felt better.
ya ya ya i said i wanted to start drawing again, i haven't found the time to do that okay? yesterday, or maybe 2 days ago, i tried to start drawing again, watched and read some basic drawing principles, got lazy, then started doomscrolling again... i'm sorry okay! i'll try better next time :'
(5pm)
feeling... slightly better, atleast better than last night... today i went out to buy some food. took out my bike, went to a place that i wanted, eating the food while watching some "scenery" (more like houses, but the greenery around it balances it out).
and.. masturbated.. again.. twice... but, to be completely honest, it doesn't destroy me like last night... tho, i still neeed to be careful. i AM trying to reduce my porn and masturbation addiction overall, so i DO need to limit myself and not go overboard.
my mood's been in the gutter as of late. i skipped monday's exam, and i also skipped today's exam. i don't know what i'm thinking. is there really a future for me? and to add insult to injury, i crazily got addicted to a porn game. ejaculated an unhealthy (in terms of frequency) amount of semen. possibly more than 7 times in the span of 12 hours. this is one of the worst feeling that i've gotten in my whole life. i also realised when i took a bath that my dick is swollen, and it hurts so bad.
what am i doing with my life.. i'm 20 years old.. i'm just ruining my whole life infront of my own eyes. i wouldn't be able to survive on my own if this still goes on. when will i change? i must change. if this keeps happening, i might be dead soon. regretting my life decisions. my academics are also just keeps going downhill. i might need to retake a class, a class that i retook this year and i didn't even participate. fuck me.
i want to keep on going. i still want to live. i don't want to be a disappointment. dad has been paying for my whole college fee, and with mom being sick for more than 2 years now. i just want to leave a legacy. i, at the very least, want to graduate. i don't want to drop out of college. it is too late now. i need to finish my math major.
i really need someone to talk to. i want to talk about my struggles, my addictions, everything. but, someone that isn't weirded out and grossed out by my struggles? i'm not so sure about that. this is all that i currently have, a journal, a note, a remembrance, a journey.
maybe, one day, i will be able to recover.
haiii!!! today i did lotsa thingss!!! i cleaned my pair of shoes, i cleaned my doormat, cleaned my room too!!!
and the best thingggg??? drum roll pleaseeee......
I FINALLY WATCHED SUZUME!!! it's been on my radar for a while, maybe years lol, and i finally got around to watching itt... AND HOLY FUCK IS IT PEAKKKK!!!! i don't really watch a lot of movies, but i'm so glad that most of the movies that i watched are SOOO GOOOD!!! something unfortunate happened tho right after the credits of suzume started to roll, AND IT IS MY GLASSES BREAKING!! souta's scene in the post-credit is what caused my glasses to break (because i was SOO overwhelmed by my emotions that suzume gets to meet souta again), and because that scene broke my glasses, i blame souta!!!
anyway that's all for my journal todayy!!! i felt happy and overjoyed todayyy yipeee!!!
for a better future!!!!! gambare!!!!!
hiii!!! today was my 2nd visit to the therapist, after visiting them for the second time, i do feel better. they told me to do more positive things, and the efforts that i've done is good! great progress are being made! i think i will also add another page to my site, bcoz they suggests me to draw, and i do like drawing, so they said that the process of drawing itself can be therapeutic, so i will do it! will add a page to my site for occasional drawing/doodles/sketches/anything that i feel like i want to draw!
gambareee!!!
hi! it's been a while. not particularly feeling great but, eh, could be worse. this morning i attended my second exam. still feels weird. i'm glad that i was forfcefully woken up last tuesday. it.. pushes me.. to keep on doing things, to keep going on, including doing my exams. if that didn't happen, i'll probably skip my exams again. like i usually thought, i do need some peer pressure. not too much, not too little. just enough to keep me going. i'll probably schedule another session again with my therapist. this journal was also my therapist's suggestion. i do have some spare money, but it's still quite expensive for me.
for a better future, i hope. cheers.
did my first final exam. i'm on my 5th semester now. i'm struggling to keep up with my friends. i don;t know what to do. ever since i fucked up my 3rd semester and skipping class for the whole semester, it's been downhill from there. i mean, sure, sometimes i do attend my class, but the bare minimum should be attending all class AND doing the tasks and the exams. but me? i rarely do my individual tasks, and the group tasks? i'm just a deadweight of the group. how will i go through my life? my classes? i don't understand anything. i'm a slow learner. i don;t think anyone would want to teach me anything.
is there anything in store for me in the future? will i still be alive by then?
relapsed. again. not an alcoholic relapse kind-of-thing. i've been battling my porn addiction for well over 2 years now, maybe more. this month's record was only a 9 days without masturbation. my best record was 30 days. that 30 days only happened because i was stressed the fuck out that i don't really take care of myself. but i want to progress even farther. the small progresses felt like nothing. it just doesn;t feel liek that i'm... progressing... i want to talk to my therapist about this problem, but.. i'm still uncomfortable... my therapist is a woman, so... it just felt... you get what i mean...
i hope i get better. i hope things get better. i can only hope.
went to a psychologist (or was it a therapist?) for the first time!!
kinda emabrassing that i'm already 20yo but never went to a therapist. but i finally got around to get an appointment. it was... weird??? it was my first time going so i don't really know what to do. they told me to tell anything, any stories or things alike. i was confused at first, but they helped me through it. they were really helpful!! after the session ends, i still quite don't understand what happened... looking forward for the next session!! quite expensive for my liking, but i hope that this long-term investment will yield a helpful and happy result!!!