ewwoo :3
this is where i'll write my blogs/journals
this page will be private once i'll figure things out!!!
(5pm)
feeling... slightly better, atleast better than last night... today i went out to buy some food. took out my bike, went to a place that i wanted, eating the food while watching some "scenery" (more like houses, but the greenery around it balances it out).
and.. masturbated.. again.. twice... but, to be completely honest, it doesn't destroy me like last night... tho, i still neeed to be careful. i AM trying to reduce my porn and masturbation addiction overall, so i DO need to limit myself and not go overboard.
my mood's been in the gutter as of late. i skipped monday's exam, and i also skipped today's exam. i don't know what i'm thinking. is there really a future for me? and to add insult to injury, i crazily got addicted to a porn game. ejaculated an unhealthy (in terms of frequency) amount of semen. possibly more than 7 times in the span of 12 hours. this is one of the worst feeling that i've gotten in my whole life. i also realised when i took a bath that my dick is swollen, and it hurts so bad.
what am i doing with my life.. i'm 20 years old.. i'm just ruining my whole life infront of my own eyes. i wouldn't be able to survive on my own if this still goes on. when will i change? i must change. if this keeps happening, i might be dead soon. regretting my life decisions. my academics are also just keeps going downhill. i might need to retake a class, a class that i retook this year and i didn't even participate. fuck me.
i want to keep on going. i still want to live. i don't want to be a disappointment. dad has been paying for my whole college fee, and with mom being sick for more than 2 years now. i just want to leave a legacy. i, at the very least, want to graduate. i don't want to drop out of college. it is too late now. i need to finish my math major.
i really need someone to talk to. i want to talk about my struggles, my addictions, everything. but, someone that isn't weirded out and grossed out by my struggles? i'm not so sure about that. this is all that i currently have, a journal, a note, a remembrance, a journey.
maybe, one day, i will be able to recover.
haiii!!! today i did lotsa thingss!!! i cleaned my pair of shoes, i cleaned my doormat, cleaned my room too!!!
and the best thingggg??? drum roll pleaseeee......
I FINALLY WATCHED SUZUME!!! it's been on my radar for a while, maybe years lol, and i finally got around to watching itt... AND HOLY FUCK IS IT PEAKKKK!!!! i don't really watch a lot of movies, but i'm so glad that most of the movies that i watched are SOOO GOOOD!!! something unfortunate happened tho right after the credits of suzume started to roll, AND IT IS MY GLASSES BREAKING!! souta's scene in the post-credit is what caused my glasses to break (because i was SOO overwhelmed by my emotions that suzume gets to meet souta again), and because that scene broke my glasses, i blame souta!!!
anyway that's all for my journal todayy!!! i felt happy and overjoyed todayyy yipeee!!!
for a better future!!!!! gambare!!!!!
hiii!!! today was my 2nd visit to the therapist, after visiting them for the second time, i do feel better. they told me to do more positive things, and the efforts that i've done is good! great progress are being made! i think i will also add another page to my site, bcoz they suggests me to draw, and i do like drawing, so they said that the process of drawing itself can be therapeutic, so i will do it! will add a page to my site for occasional drawing/doodles/sketches/anything that i feel like i want to draw!
gambareee!!!
hi! it's been a while. not particularly feeling great but, eh, could be worse. this morning i attended my second exam. still feels weird. i'm glad that i was forfcefully woken up last tuesday. it.. pushes me.. to keep on doing things, to keep going on, including doing my exams. if that didn't happen, i'll probably skip my exams again. like i usually thought, i do need some peer pressure. not too much, not too little. just enough to keep me going. i'll probably schedule another session again with my therapist. this journal was also my therapist's suggestion. i do have some spare money, but it's still quite expensive for me.
for a better future, i hope. cheers.
did my first final exam. i'm on my 5th semester now. i'm struggling to keep up with my friends. i don;t know what to do. ever since i fucked up my 3rd semester and skipping class for the whole semester, it's been downhill from there. i mean, sure, sometimes i do attend my class, but the bare minimum should be attending all class AND doing the tasks and the exams. but me? i rarely do my individual tasks, and the group tasks? i'm just a deadweight of the group. how will i go through my life? my classes? i don't understand anything. i'm a slow learner. i don;t think anyone would want to teach me anything.
is there anything in store for me in the future? will i still be alive by then?
relapsed. again. not an alcoholic relapse kind-of-thing. i've been battling my porn addiction for well over 2 years now, maybe more. this month's record was only a 9 days without masturbation. my best record was 30 days. that 30 days only happened because i was stressed the fuck out that i don't really take care of myself. but i want to progress even farther. the small progresses felt like nothing. it just doesn;t feel liek that i'm... progressing... i want to talk to my therapist about this problem, but.. i'm still uncomfortable... my therapist is a woman, so... it just felt... you get what i mean...
i hope i get better. i hope things get better. i can only hope.
went to a psychologist (or was it a therapist?) for the first time!!
kinda emabrassing that i'm already 20yo but never went to a therapist. but i finally got around to get an appointment. it was... weird??? it was my first time going so i don't really know what to do. they told me to tell anything, any stories or things alike. i was confused at first, but they helped me through it. they were really helpful!! after the session ends, i still quite don't understand what happened... looking forward for the next session!! quite expensive for my liking, but i hope that this long-term investment will yield a helpful and happy result!!!